What if my teacher doesn’t like me?
What if I don’t feel well and you are not there to help me?
What if the other kids think I’m not as smart as they are?
What if I can’t do long division?
Can’t I just stay home?
Every fall, millions of American children begin a new school year with emotions ranging from excitement to dread to resignation. As parents, we anticipate that our children may have questions and concerns about going to school. Many of us, during our own childhoods, experienced that “butterflies-in-the-stomach” sensation as we strapped on our backpacks and shuffled to the bus stop. These mild to moderate feelings of anxiety are normal and to be expected.
Some children, however, experience more severe anxiety about returning to school. These children typically have fears about specific situations that make up a school day or fears about separation from parents. When these situations ended with the onset of summer, so did much of the anxiety. Moreover, during the school year, your child may have habituated to the situations that triggered his fears because he was exposed to them constantly, but since he has been away from these situations his fears may have re-emerged. “Back to School” can, indeed trigger or re-trigger a plethora of common fears.
Common types of anxiety triggered in the school experience include:
Social anxiety: fears about being judged negatively by others, often perceived as shyness in particular interactions including using restrooms.
Perfectionism: worries about making mistakes, getting less than an exceptional grade, missing an assignment, and imperfect performance.
Contamination fears: concerns about germs, chemicals, etc.
Somatic worries: fears of vomiting, fainting or feeling ill.
Separation anxiety: worries about harm coming to parents when the child is at school or on a sleepover and concerns about being away from a parent in a time of need, such as an illness or upset.
If your child exhibits signs of anxiety, the way you respond to his fears can either help him conquer them, or unintentionally feed them. Parents often respond to a child’s anxiety by participating in “Safety Behaviors” with the child. “Safety Behaviors” are actions taken to manage, limit or mitigate the exposure to the situation that triggers fear. They range from very subtle, such as going a special route to avoid a feared interaction to overt and extreme, as when a situation is completely avoided or endured with great distress. Engaging in “Safety Behaviors” can indeed reduce a child’s anxiety in the short run, but in the long run, doing so invariably reinforces your child’s fear for a number of reasons. First, in interferes with a child’s ability to learn that the exaggerated fear they perceive is indeed not accurate. Thus, any exposure the child does gain will be ineffective when safety behaviors are used. When a child does a safety behavior it sends a direct message to his brain that he should worry about the situation.
Examples of such potentially harmful responses that parents make include: helping the child avoid the situation, reassuring him excessively, engaging in repeated explanations regarding why your child really has nothing to fear and doing ritualistic behaviors with your child such as; “good bye” rituals that “need” to be done to comfort the child.
Many parents find this to be counter-intuitive and fear that they are not doing a good job helping their child to “feel safe” in the world if they do not engage in these behaviors. In fact, engaging in and enabling these behaviors teaches your child to feel more scared and in fact less safe. So how can we help our children combat their anxiety in a way that will empower them and set them on the path of healthy thinking?
Step One: Gather data. Parents should monitor the situations that provoke an anxious response in their child. Keep a log detailing the date, the situation, and the fear; specifically including the behaviors manifested by the child, how you responded and the degree of anxiety you perceive your child to be experiencing rated on a scale of 1-10 (“1” signifies little to no anxiety and “10” is the highest degree of anxiety you have observed in this situation. Encourage your child to specify what it is that he fears. Many children with anxiety will attempt to avoid even clearly thinking about what scares them and will respond with vague statements such as: “I just don’t like x.” This is a “Safety Behavior” for it is part of their strategy to mitigate their anxiety. Holding a benign, business-like attitude, be a detective with your child and encourage him to look for clues with you regarding the specifics of his fears. For instance, is the child afraid to go to school or afraid to leave home? If she does not want to go to school, what does she fear? Is she afraid the bathrooms will be dirty? Is she nervous about talking aloud in class? By maintaining a written log, parents gain a better understanding of what it is that is triggering the child’s fearful thoughts and any safety behaviors utilized.
Step Two: Objectify the worry. Some children name it “Mr. Worrywart” or the “Worry Bug.” Use this term when discussing the child’s anxiety. However, parents should avoid too much conversation about the fear itself because this too becomes a safety behavior; instead, if the child wants to talk about his fears, help him label it and call it “Worry Bug” or whatever nickname he has given to it. The focus should be on defining the situations that provoke anxiety and identifying safety behaviors that you and your child have developed in the attempt to quell your child’s fear.
Step Three: Identify and make a list of all “Safety Behaviors.” Go through the list with your child item by item, reminding him that although these actions seem to help in the short run that they just make his fears worse in the long-run and that the two of you are going to gradually reduce engaging in them. Introduce the concept of a “fear thermometer” (a scale of “1-10”, with 10 being the most scared she has ever been in a similar situation) that the child can use to gauge her level of anxiety. Using the fear thermometer as a guide, ask your child how hard on his fear thermometer it would be either for him or you to not do the particular behavior or mental action. Start eliminating the lowest fear thermometer “Safety Behaviors” first. Don’t forget to utilize rewards here to motivate your child to take on these challenges that will ultimately make him feel stronger.
Step Four: Gradually expose your child to the situation he fears. From the log developed in Step One, you have pinpointed the situations that trigger your child’s anxiety. Select a situation to begin exposures with. I recommend starting with a situation that occurs frequently (or that you can make occur frequently, even if you must manufacture it just to be able to practice it). Once the situation is selected, you and your child must break that situation down into a hierarchy of steps ranging from low fear thermometer ratings to high. For example, if she is concerned that you will be late picking her up from school, ask her how scary it might be if you were to arrive 30 seconds late, one minute late, 2 minutes late, 5 minutes late, and 15 minutes late. Together with your child create the situation hierarchy, and start with a situation lowest on her fear thermometer. Begin slowly and within the child’s comfort range (usually that translates to a fear thermometer situation of 3 or below). Perhaps, the first day, you both agree that you will arrive one minutes late, which your child thinks will be a 3 on her fear thermometer. When you do arrive one minute late, ask your child to measure her degree of anxiety on her fear thermometer and praise her and provide the agreed upon reward. Continue to arrive one minute late every day until the child experiences no concern at your tardiness (a “0” fear thermometer reading). At first, be prepared for slightly increased anxiety for a brief period. Over time, however, through this gradual and consistent exposure, the child confronts his own fear and actually teaches his brain that it need not over-react when in that situation.
You and your child must join together in this effort and your child must have some motivation to conquer her fears. Often, children do not present with a desire to do this, as they are comfortable to avoid and continue to do “Safety Behaviors” for as long as the parent does. To engender motivation, I recommend rewards, established ahead of time for each successful exposure and attempt to resist the urge to engage in a “Safety Behavior”. Additionally, you may wish to create a list of “hassles” that the fear and its associated behaviors causes the child. Common hassles include: feeling stressed out, things taking much longer than necessary, not feeling comfortable doing activities the child truly enjoys, missing out on various activities such as sleepovers, camping trips due to her fears, and family stress.
Remember that all of us experience worries, and that varying levels of anxiety exist on a continuum. The process outlined above provides real-life strategies that you, as parents, can employ to lead your child out of anxiety-based thinking and its behaviors. However, if you feel that your child’s fears are interfering with his ability to function on a daily basis, seek the guidance of a professional. A mental health expert, experienced in Cognitive Behavior Therapy, can provide you and your child the guidance and the tools you need to overcome even the most severe anxiety disorders.